3- MISTAKES YOU MADE IN COLLEGE AND WHAT YOU LEARNED FROM THEM

 

The heavy feelings that had been weighing my heart, when I waved my hands goodbye to my family members, as I stepped my foot in this college. I gaslighted myself into thinking that I can handle things on my own, alone.

Some may thoughts that I was just being shy, but the truth can’t be hidden for too long, it’s actually the fear of trusting new people that made me felt distant. At first, I didn’t realize that I had been distancing myself from others. There was a day when my roommates offered me to join them to go grab some food, but I refused them by saying I wasn’t hungry. Once they closed the room door, I went to grab my earphone that only worked one side and started to bawl my eyes out while listening to my sad Spotify playlist. Not only consistently rejected their offers, but I also set my boundaries too. I put up the line between them as if we were enemies in our past lives. There was when I realized how distant I was from them.

Truth to be told, I was scared. “What if I talk too much?” or “what if they think I’m weird?” those what ifs questions had been echoing in my thoughts made me set the boundaries around new people.

 

               

When I walked around the college alone, the sudden thoughts of my high school friends came to my mind, whishing that they were there at my lowest point in my life. However, life do be like that at times. We were separated by our dreams and goals that we wanted to achieve in our life. It’s fine, I accepted the fact that we might not be able to meet up like we used to. I remember when I went to the “D Lembah Restaurant” near KPTM, all by myself, just to fill my stomach because not even a sip of water had entered my mouth since morning that day. Bear in mind that it was only the first week of my college life. 

(alone...)

On my way back to my room, my eyes get teary, feeling lonely. Shedding some tears won’t heal the loneliness I’ve had in my heart. To distract myself from being emotional, I called my parents. They told me that it’s alright to be alone because to them, I’m their independent first daughter and they have faith in me. To be honest, I enjoyed my own company a lot, yet I can’t help but felt lonely sometimes. I realized that it was my mistakes for detached myself from people as I’m worried that I’ll overstepping someone else’s boundaries. I still remember when I was under the weather one sunny day, I called my friend from another university.

While stuffing food into my mouth, she picked up the call and called my nickname, “hi Nia!!!”, the tears fell down on my right cheeks. It took me a few seconds to calm down before I can have a short catch up with her. Little did she know how comforting it was to hear her soulful voice after a long day.

 

Sometimes I’ve been wondering, “will it get better?” Putting my faith in Allah knowing that He is always with me.

One chilly evening, 5 of my roommates asked me to join them to E-Mart and I agreed to it to avoid making things even more awkward between us. Slowly, I began to erase the barrier I had built, and I started to realize that they made me feel at ease. Usually, I used to tone down my voice when speaking but not anymore, especially when I’m letting my laughter out. That laughter still echoes in my mind, a reminder of how truly happy I felt with them. I began to show my true colors as they began to show theirs. When I get comfortable with someone, I tend to ask them random questions, show my clingy side and spend most of my time with them.

 

                     

Being alone prevents me from gossiping as I hate getting involved with unnecessary dramas. I also could finish my work faster since no one is there to disturb me. At times, distancing myself from people feels convenient because it keeps me from being influenced to do something inappropriate.

               

It’s true that I enjoy solitude, but completely isolating myself was harmful to my mental health. I also realize that my absence may have affected those around me. So, I need to let my guard down a little. It would be even better if I could manage my emotions well, allowing me to heal from past mistakes, one of the reasons I distanced myself in the first place. I should express my feelings more, at least to find some relief.

After all, smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.